Christmasless

Dear MOM,

If ink was the blood you needed to live, i would have written the poem of infinity. If thoughts would bring back the smell f your cheeks, i would have rethought this entire existence a million times over. If prayers would bring back a sight of your glossy smooth skin, i would have prayed for each God ever written. If feeling you beside me is a simple crossover to another stage of being, i would have been there already. If keeping you in the living is freezing time as i freeze in my hardest forms, i would reinvent physics and science.

You were robbed from your being and i was robbed of meanings, as if you’ve invented them, as if you’ve ignited my life with ongoing heartbeat, as if you were my eternal language.

I can hear you in every music i play, i can see you in every place i reach, i can feel you with every sense i perceive, i loose you in every reason i try to make.

I recap my entire life over and over, each passing hour, as if this is turning into an ever looping time machine. As if my present is trying to talk to my past. As if the continuum of being has been shattered the moment i saw you laying on white sheets, stained from your loosing battle with life.

I try to wash you off with tears, but that is as if dark clouds tried washing earth’s mountains and seas.

How may i bring you back other then in my dreams? which alchemy, or sorcery, or perception of living can i invent? How can you be so present, yet non-existent, so alive, but yet not living, so loving yet with no senses to give.

I want to think that a piece of me was broken, but rather, i find myself struggling with the concept of me, without you.

Merry Christmas mom!

12-24-17- 10:21pm – 11:16pm

Embrace

In the midst of chaos, internal and external, i see myself gaze at the noise around me, without any purpose or reason. Nothing is justified beyond my capacity to comprehend it with my limited sense of self and sense of consciousnesses.
I find my struggle for success or self sustainability contradicting. There are things i do that are driven by my hidden fears of failing.
I embrace simplicity. I embrace the magic out of which things happen. I embrace love, life. I embrace mystery.
I fear the layers i do not know, my objective truth, our human misery.

October 13 – 12:20pm

Homesickness- It keeps on coming back

Each time i’m alone, soul tired and mind intoxicated by the prolonged dreams of progress, it hits me, like a withdraw from a bad addiction or a strong headache after a bottle of cheap scotch.
Shame on a country that separates parents and siblings, friends and memories, loved ones and chirpy feelings of soul surrender to another. But the world goes on, people grow apart but missed, feelings undergo metamorphism and the secret tears become more rare but heavier then the unforgotten lost moments of memories that could have been made if one would have stayed back home.

Trickle down the boredom stream

Plotted against myself i find it difficult to gather the inner crush i had of the person who touched and changed my nucleus. The despair of a fear, and the dread of a bloody tear, the yearn of a smile and of attention i have had for a while, are caging me behind invisible bars. The invisible shackles have bled and bled until they turned into old rusted memories of a lonesome man. But the beautiful face of a falling star shines and sweeps the colors of darkness from under the dead trees, then blows a kiss at the lonely heart of the heartbroken to awaken emotions only felt by eternity when marrying death.
7:25pm

My holiday tips:

  • If you had a goal in 2012, keep pursuing it in 2013. Never quit!
  • If you have a problem with someone, bury the hatchet! life works against you when you hate
  • Eat healthy, work out
  • Maintain your sense of humor, life is prettier this way
  • Last but not least, appreciate the quality people in your life, they are the ones who define who you are

Sneaky Cripples

Corrugated by the explosive character in me, i propel changing the signs that cross my thoughts once a second to transform itself into an obsession of an unsanitary characteristic of a mind held behind bars, begging for freedom i ought not know how to handle. A crippled man who know how to want to be free but have no concept of freedom. The sole concept stuck in the mind of eternity is timeless endings, senseless death, ultimate confusion of the nothingness, but the vast amount of space that hover over our lives is nothing but a full bucket of sorrows and undermined soul concussion!
Vocabulary don’t matter, it is the sole mean of self expression but the self have no expressions left but the who what when and what about the freeZom! so i let the stars guide me through my journey that has taken a lifetime of journeys that are upwards, unparalleled, unprecedented but fully expressed by the underlying cooked ideas of succession and restlessness. I would like not to be bothered one day by myself, my mind and my shuffled imagination, but they come pouring down like a waterfall of rubbish covered with honey and cream. Not to mention the nonsense that surrounds me every passing moment of every day of non-organized life that is riding an infinite bus of voyeurism, that is of our naked souls trembling against existence thus religiously believing every bit of non-sense and confusionism and contradiction that one mind can ever imagine, thus i surrender!
1:39 am

Crushed

The ticks of the clock falls from the flow of eternity and breaks, awakening the deep worries buried within the deepest corners of the ignorant soul.

The consistent tries to make thing work in a fascinating way has turned into an effective tool to craft lines on the present so that tears find their ways to the murky waters of deception and self torture.

No thought is pure enough to surface the mind and break the door that locks the real spirits within the one spirit. A whole world locked within me is ready to fade and become one boring lonely speck of nothingness. So why there is 33 spots i cannot locate in my heart? are they the dwindling lifespan on my human spiritual progress? or is the self timer about to awaken me when i am in my deepest state of infused anesthesia?

Dreams are blackened by the happy moments that are drawn on the window of soul indulgence and crippled satisfaction.

There is no ending to my train of thoughts that flow through my brain to leave me paralyzed with bits of imagination that realty envies so much that it dreads and fears.

Born addicted, then became addicted once more to the beauty of unattainables.

The body rest in peace while the mind goes into a deep stage of epiphany about unseen unreality.

I am loving it,

Twilight of a nightmare

Bare naked, faked emotions dress the dark gloom that hovers over the silent lover who awaits seldom moments of seclusion infused with random omens of beauty which escaped its meaning and dwelled an unparallelled existence that attaches itself to parts of humanity to only shine when we can’t define the crying of nothingness which we turn into an intense glance of an unexpected specs of life.

My dreams cannot define my reality so they hinder my ability to create a world that is defined with characteristic definitions of failure that exist with success, so i see the twilight of  nightmare, misunderstood like my rhymes!

What’s happened!

Feel as if the world has lost its meaning withing the depth of materialism and every day life struggle. And we are a part of it. We cannot escape the fact that we are stuck, stuck, carried, affected, infected with the latest contagious material objects. Back in the day, an idea will make you stay up for nights thinking about the dimensions of it, the effect it has on you, on the world, on life. Now, we stay up for even longer hours, our questions doubled, if not tripled, but only unlocking the features of a new techy device that have no depth in  our lives whatsoever!

Is it that we previously had such an inconvenient life that we need to organize it in bytes, flat screen tvs and  e-readers? Were the ideas that moved us so shallow that we do not yearn for them any more.?

Maybe the world is being tailored for a master scheme to keep it from unlocking the secrets of life? Whereas the secrets are not only in new earth like planets or another alien life, it is in the way we get in touch with our inner thoughts, feelings, ideas, soul, past, future and present.! these are the things that gets us by everyday. take any of those out and we will cease to exist! So why do we ignore them? why do we take for granted the things that shape who we are as human beings?

This is not a complaint about what we are doing at this era in time, but its is a warning about what we will be doing if we lost ourselves in a word full of convenient electronics.

R.F.

Friday sept/3/10

2:06 am