Anatomy of Death

Sunday – may – 21 – 11:39am

Where does one’s spirit go?

There you are, the person I love the most, I’ve idealized the most, I’ve crystallized into a goddess, I’ve engraved in my heart, soul, thoughts, deeds and every waking moment of my life. Lying there, breathless, soulless, smiling, sad, as if you’ve mourned your own departure of this world.

There you are but you aren’t. There you cross your arms as if you were sleeping peacefully, at last. There you are with the nurses handling your body as if there was no common feeling of sadness but rather part of a job description, a task of the day that rushed adrenaline through their veins while it rushed poison of sadness through the blood of your loved ones, my blood. It’s a new kind of sadness, the kind that cripples you for life. The kind that changes your belief, your presence, your future, the course of your life, the kind that changes you.

2:13 am, flying across the skies, pushing the plane with my fear of the devastating news. Each second seems like a year. As I attempt to close my eyes and push the envelope of time, here I am, awakened by a hard cringe in between my teeth. My cheeks shivered, ma saliva got heavy, my throat tightened as if something was speaking through me. As if you were trying to reach me and say: “ I’ve waited for you, but I have to go now habibi. Do not worry! I am sorry I couldn’t stay longer around you. I LOVE YOU!”
While I shake from hear and my heart trembles, I deeply hope my senses are mistaken. My mind is too weak and it is sending me the wrong signals just to prepare me from the worse. I wished deeply that this was pure biochemicals transmitting doses of fear causing a momentary brain panic.
I held on to hopes that this love I feel for you, the love we all feel for you, cannot possibly let you go!

The room turned moist from tears. Your body, holding on to warmth as if all the love you’ve given is still there to give. As if you did not want to go without leaving some heat of life around. Like you’ve never wanted me to go to school without lunch.As if you did not want to let me travel without your motherly, godly protection.

I feel your soft skin as if all the chemicals and the medicine they’ve loathly injected, couldn’t change the composition of your skin as if you’ve come back to the old you, the one that was healthy, the one that was radiating passion, happiness, life.
I cry, hoping my tears and my love will turn into a magic potion of life and get you back alive. I hoped magic existed. I wished the resurrection stories were true. I hoped the legend of the bible was real!

Mind is racing at an unprecedented speed, rage trying to squeeze and find room. Regrets starts to re-surface, but sadness is too big to leave room for anything else. Meanings turned into confusion. Fear transformed into uncertainty. Yearn turned intro deformed memories. Love crystallized into a useless god. Your voice turned into a dancing gypsy that swings and sways my nerves all the way from the deepest corners of my soul, down to my gut.

You transformed into ME!
12:20pm

Stagnant

The water does not choose its course, gravity does. And so we are coursing through our lives as chosen by time and the ultimate master of creation; maybe the masters of creation!

The way things are made in this world is to keep going, as stars race through the black skies, the wind travels through the trees, the water flows from stream to stream, nature dies and awakens, bla,bla,bla…. we are made this way, biologically we keep going from the moment our lucky eyes see the light of the world, until we close them for the last time, we never stop going!

So why does some waters hit a swamp and become murky, filled with insects and rotten plants? why does space looks still? why does the mind seeks a state of boredom and stagnancy? why does moments come to a flowing brain and goes, what part do i play in any of this? what makes me existent under the concept of humanity but non existent in the scheme of master creation? is this point of thoughtful confusion part of us, part of our brain? a thin line that dilutes what’s real and what is more real? is this state of stagnant thoughts, dormant desires is part of the other side of our existence?

but unlike still water that goes back to the skies, or space that travels on an immense volume we do not notice, our minds give up and go back to the temporary state of non-boredom!