Christmasless

Dear MOM,

If ink was the blood you needed to live, i would have written the poem of infinity. If thoughts would bring back the smell f your cheeks, i would have rethought this entire existence a million times over. If prayers would bring back a sight of your glossy smooth skin, i would have prayed for each God ever written. If feeling you beside me is a simple crossover to another stage of being, i would have been there already. If keeping you in the living is freezing time as i freeze in my hardest forms, i would reinvent physics and science.

You were robbed from your being and i was robbed of meanings, as if you’ve invented them, as if you’ve ignited my life with ongoing heartbeat, as if you were my eternal language.

I can hear you in every music i play, i can see you in every place i reach, i can feel you with every sense i perceive, i loose you in every reason i try to make.

I recap my entire life over and over, each passing hour, as if this is turning into an ever looping time machine. As if my present is trying to talk to my past. As if the continuum of being has been shattered the moment i saw you laying on white sheets, stained from your loosing battle with life.

I try to wash you off with tears, but that is as if dark clouds tried washing earth’s mountains and seas.

How may i bring you back other then in my dreams? which alchemy, or sorcery, or perception of living can i invent? How can you be so present, yet non-existent, so alive, but yet not living, so loving yet with no senses to give.

I want to think that a piece of me was broken, but rather, i find myself struggling with the concept of me, without you.

Merry Christmas mom!

12-24-17- 10:21pm – 11:16pm

Anatomy of Death

Sunday – may – 21 – 11:39am

Where does one’s spirit go?

There you are, the person I love the most, I’ve idealized the most, I’ve crystallized into a goddess, I’ve engraved in my heart, soul, thoughts, deeds and every waking moment of my life. Lying there, breathless, soulless, smiling, sad, as if you’ve mourned your own departure of this world.

There you are but you aren’t. There you cross your arms as if you were sleeping peacefully, at last. There you are with the nurses handling your body as if there was no common feeling of sadness but rather part of a job description, a task of the day that rushed adrenaline through their veins while it rushed poison of sadness through the blood of your loved ones, my blood. It’s a new kind of sadness, the kind that cripples you for life. The kind that changes your belief, your presence, your future, the course of your life, the kind that changes you.

2:13 am, flying across the skies, pushing the plane with my fear of the devastating news. Each second seems like a year. As I attempt to close my eyes and push the envelope of time, here I am, awakened by a hard cringe in between my teeth. My cheeks shivered, ma saliva got heavy, my throat tightened as if something was speaking through me. As if you were trying to reach me and say: “ I’ve waited for you, but I have to go now habibi. Do not worry! I am sorry I couldn’t stay longer around you. I LOVE YOU!”
While I shake from hear and my heart trembles, I deeply hope my senses are mistaken. My mind is too weak and it is sending me the wrong signals just to prepare me from the worse. I wished deeply that this was pure biochemicals transmitting doses of fear causing a momentary brain panic.
I held on to hopes that this love I feel for you, the love we all feel for you, cannot possibly let you go!

The room turned moist from tears. Your body, holding on to warmth as if all the love you’ve given is still there to give. As if you did not want to go without leaving some heat of life around. Like you’ve never wanted me to go to school without lunch.As if you did not want to let me travel without your motherly, godly protection.

I feel your soft skin as if all the chemicals and the medicine they’ve loathly injected, couldn’t change the composition of your skin as if you’ve come back to the old you, the one that was healthy, the one that was radiating passion, happiness, life.
I cry, hoping my tears and my love will turn into a magic potion of life and get you back alive. I hoped magic existed. I wished the resurrection stories were true. I hoped the legend of the bible was real!

Mind is racing at an unprecedented speed, rage trying to squeeze and find room. Regrets starts to re-surface, but sadness is too big to leave room for anything else. Meanings turned into confusion. Fear transformed into uncertainty. Yearn turned intro deformed memories. Love crystallized into a useless god. Your voice turned into a dancing gypsy that swings and sways my nerves all the way from the deepest corners of my soul, down to my gut.

You transformed into ME!
12:20pm

I waited for you

May-18-2017 – 6:05am

In bed, head deep into a dream of inverse reality. I waited for your smooth sway in the house makes up my oxygen to stay alive. I waited for your soft voice that song the eternal remedy for my life despair. I waited for your soft touch to tap my shoulder and wake me up, as if some mythic goddess, never praised enough, never unproven by science, paid me a visit. I waited for the look of your smile that put perplexity at shame and gives me daily fuel to make sense of living and carry on my engine of life.

I waited for your first words to me as if you invent love with each word that leaves your rose lips. I waited for your hug as if I was a prisoner in chains, shackles and needed your hug to be deliberated from the pain of not living. I waited for you as if I’ve never learned to wait for anything so precious or divine as you. I waited for you as I’ve waited for my first meal of the day, prepared by the best cooks of Eden.

I waited for your goodbye as I walk through another page of my life as if you were the fingers that flip my book each day. I waited for you as I was away from you, I counted the moments I get a glimpse of you like a fetus waiting for his first day. I waited for your presence around me as if you are the only reason why my timeline had a present.

I waited for you to walk into my room like an audience awaits the play of their lifetime in a presidential theater. I waited for you to inspire me each day as if I was mute, death and blind without you. I waited for you to get better, as if you are so divine, nothing can touch you or take you away from me.

I waited for your pains to go away as if pain had no business being without you.
I waited for your silence when silence was the only energy needed to keep this earth a spin.
I waited for you to approve my every single move, thought, action, reaction, as if you are the judge and the road to guidance, which shows me right from wrong.

I waited for you every waking moment of my life since I opened my eyes and will continue to until the unfair course of living stops. I waited for you to slow down my clock as if I was never there unless you existed in my moment as if you moved my clock. I waited for you to share my love for things as if I never loved anything we did not share together.

I waited for you to open your eyes for me and tell me one more time: “ Take care of yourself habibi” as if I lived in a world of savage uncertainty and your words made it safer. I waited for your call as if your words transmitted telephony. I waited for you as I walked through the alley of the unknown as if you are my guarantee to keep living. I waited for you as I ventured on a new path as if you will be there to catch me anytime I fall.

I waited for you

– 6:24am

The Question Dilemma

What are you creating? moments of happiness for yourself, for others, things, energy, power, time. It does not matter. The essence of things is not what you think it is, it is in fact the complete opposite of everything you ever thought it was! If you ask how and why, existence will tell you not to question it!

Think about that moment that you anticipated so badly and thought it will make your heart and senses align, and once that moment happened, it became an old decaying addiction you wish you can grab at a whisper of your thoughts, thus your heart and senses starts to wander indefinitely in a sea of tsunamis.

Have you ever thought that you will make something so great, and you will succeed to the degree of euphoric extremity felt only by the Gods? But once you got there the dictator self in you kept diminishing your greatness like a greater thing is still there for you to seek, so you wish what you made was written by a different pen, paper and poet.

Have you thought of those in your life that your heart cherishes and grasps its existence around, but then they vanish between distance and death leaving your existence justified by the clutter made of a dark shadow with a grin smile and an unjustified bad intention.
Have you ever thought of yourself as the king of your own story but with each turn of a page you feel like your life is a memory buried under the years like the magnificent scriptures from the book of nothingness.

Have you ever saw the things that matter the most to you shift with every page of your life, every loved one, every achievement and every moment to become absolute like a sculpture you worked so hard on but it is simply a still molded rock sitting your living room without life or character.

Why everything is made to change this way? i always ask, and i get the same answer, don’t question it!

She and i don’t exist

As i sit here, staring through the window of infinite opportunities, i reflect about the unlimited possibilities that escaped my existence; then i realize that i am simply haunted by time.

I walk through the garden of my mind and i see me looking back at a person i wanted to be but is impossible to be!
I sing the song of eternal yearn and love but my heart is an empty cup of life and death.
I walk some more and i see myself hodling her hand, but she does not exist, she is a memory that never happened but haunts my life.
She is dressed in a black veil, smiling but tears are falling through her rose cheeks, like water flows around the glossy skin of a mermaid. But the mermaid dives deep into the abyss, the veil falls like leaves of one dying summer.

She leaves and i hysterically fall into moments of panic & solitude as if i was an instrument that was struck once by a master player, but then the master vanished! and while the dust gathers in the rusty edges the echo of the first symphony still repeats.

But i break the shackles of mental disability, i swing a deadly arrow at the laughing soldier of fate and go running through the godly feast of freedom and non-stirred fortunes

As i look through the window of eternal opportunities, i see the lights escape me while drawing the last words of goodbyes in the black beveled clouds, like a kid with a chalk, an empty board and a formidable pure imagination.

What’s happened!

Feel as if the world has lost its meaning withing the depth of materialism and every day life struggle. And we are a part of it. We cannot escape the fact that we are stuck, stuck, carried, affected, infected with the latest contagious material objects. Back in the day, an idea will make you stay up for nights thinking about the dimensions of it, the effect it has on you, on the world, on life. Now, we stay up for even longer hours, our questions doubled, if not tripled, but only unlocking the features of a new techy device that have no depth in  our lives whatsoever!

Is it that we previously had such an inconvenient life that we need to organize it in bytes, flat screen tvs and  e-readers? Were the ideas that moved us so shallow that we do not yearn for them any more.?

Maybe the world is being tailored for a master scheme to keep it from unlocking the secrets of life? Whereas the secrets are not only in new earth like planets or another alien life, it is in the way we get in touch with our inner thoughts, feelings, ideas, soul, past, future and present.! these are the things that gets us by everyday. take any of those out and we will cease to exist! So why do we ignore them? why do we take for granted the things that shape who we are as human beings?

This is not a complaint about what we are doing at this era in time, but its is a warning about what we will be doing if we lost ourselves in a word full of convenient electronics.

R.F.

Friday sept/3/10

2:06 am