Christmasless

Dear MOM,

If ink was the blood you needed to live, i would have written the poem of infinity. If thoughts would bring back the smell f your cheeks, i would have rethought this entire existence a million times over. If prayers would bring back a sight of your glossy smooth skin, i would have prayed for each God ever written. If feeling you beside me is a simple crossover to another stage of being, i would have been there already. If keeping you in the living is freezing time as i freeze in my hardest forms, i would reinvent physics and science.

You were robbed from your being and i was robbed of meanings, as if you’ve invented them, as if you’ve ignited my life with ongoing heartbeat, as if you were my eternal language.

I can hear you in every music i play, i can see you in every place i reach, i can feel you with every sense i perceive, i loose you in every reason i try to make.

I recap my entire life over and over, each passing hour, as if this is turning into an ever looping time machine. As if my present is trying to talk to my past. As if the continuum of being has been shattered the moment i saw you laying on white sheets, stained from your loosing battle with life.

I try to wash you off with tears, but that is as if dark clouds tried washing earth’s mountains and seas.

How may i bring you back other then in my dreams? which alchemy, or sorcery, or perception of living can i invent? How can you be so present, yet non-existent, so alive, but yet not living, so loving yet with no senses to give.

I want to think that a piece of me was broken, but rather, i find myself struggling with the concept of me, without you.

Merry Christmas mom!

12-24-17- 10:21pm – 11:16pm

I waited for you

May-18-2017 – 6:05am

In bed, head deep into a dream of inverse reality. I waited for your smooth sway in the house makes up my oxygen to stay alive. I waited for your soft voice that song the eternal remedy for my life despair. I waited for your soft touch to tap my shoulder and wake me up, as if some mythic goddess, never praised enough, never unproven by science, paid me a visit. I waited for the look of your smile that put perplexity at shame and gives me daily fuel to make sense of living and carry on my engine of life.

I waited for your first words to me as if you invent love with each word that leaves your rose lips. I waited for your hug as if I was a prisoner in chains, shackles and needed your hug to be deliberated from the pain of not living. I waited for you as if I’ve never learned to wait for anything so precious or divine as you. I waited for you as I’ve waited for my first meal of the day, prepared by the best cooks of Eden.

I waited for your goodbye as I walk through another page of my life as if you were the fingers that flip my book each day. I waited for you as I was away from you, I counted the moments I get a glimpse of you like a fetus waiting for his first day. I waited for your presence around me as if you are the only reason why my timeline had a present.

I waited for you to walk into my room like an audience awaits the play of their lifetime in a presidential theater. I waited for you to inspire me each day as if I was mute, death and blind without you. I waited for you to get better, as if you are so divine, nothing can touch you or take you away from me.

I waited for your pains to go away as if pain had no business being without you.
I waited for your silence when silence was the only energy needed to keep this earth a spin.
I waited for you to approve my every single move, thought, action, reaction, as if you are the judge and the road to guidance, which shows me right from wrong.

I waited for you every waking moment of my life since I opened my eyes and will continue to until the unfair course of living stops. I waited for you to slow down my clock as if I was never there unless you existed in my moment as if you moved my clock. I waited for you to share my love for things as if I never loved anything we did not share together.

I waited for you to open your eyes for me and tell me one more time: “ Take care of yourself habibi” as if I lived in a world of savage uncertainty and your words made it safer. I waited for your call as if your words transmitted telephony. I waited for you as I walked through the alley of the unknown as if you are my guarantee to keep living. I waited for you as I ventured on a new path as if you will be there to catch me anytime I fall.

I waited for you

– 6:24am

She and i don’t exist

As i sit here, staring through the window of infinite opportunities, i reflect about the unlimited possibilities that escaped my existence; then i realize that i am simply haunted by time.

I walk through the garden of my mind and i see me looking back at a person i wanted to be but is impossible to be!
I sing the song of eternal yearn and love but my heart is an empty cup of life and death.
I walk some more and i see myself hodling her hand, but she does not exist, she is a memory that never happened but haunts my life.
She is dressed in a black veil, smiling but tears are falling through her rose cheeks, like water flows around the glossy skin of a mermaid. But the mermaid dives deep into the abyss, the veil falls like leaves of one dying summer.

She leaves and i hysterically fall into moments of panic & solitude as if i was an instrument that was struck once by a master player, but then the master vanished! and while the dust gathers in the rusty edges the echo of the first symphony still repeats.

But i break the shackles of mental disability, i swing a deadly arrow at the laughing soldier of fate and go running through the godly feast of freedom and non-stirred fortunes

As i look through the window of eternal opportunities, i see the lights escape me while drawing the last words of goodbyes in the black beveled clouds, like a kid with a chalk, an empty board and a formidable pure imagination.

Three dimensional dream

Dreaming of a memory of a dream that never came through.  Light years are closer to destination than a lost memory of a dream that was forged through inspiration, irrationality, materialization and weird emotional undecisiveness.  If castles are built for kings by overworked and underpaid slave workers, dreams are made for one’s soul by the substance of underdeveloped rational, unreasonable ideas and incoherent thoughts. How many castles never lived to be completed and all that human factor disappeared in the universal shredder of existence like nothingness. We are trained to dream, so that our essence is diluted between the can and cannot, between life as we see it and life as it really is in another dimension we will never attain or get a glimpse of. We are so good at dreaming that we do it well when we are not doing anything else, involuntarily. Dreams are imposed on us, we don’t choose them or make them, but they interlink in their unrealism throughout our lifetime to tell us one thing, how ignorant we are in our journey of subconsciousness.

My holiday tips:

  • If you had a goal in 2012, keep pursuing it in 2013. Never quit!
  • If you have a problem with someone, bury the hatchet! life works against you when you hate
  • Eat healthy, work out
  • Maintain your sense of humor, life is prettier this way
  • Last but not least, appreciate the quality people in your life, they are the ones who define who you are

Stagnant

The water does not choose its course, gravity does. And so we are coursing through our lives as chosen by time and the ultimate master of creation; maybe the masters of creation!

The way things are made in this world is to keep going, as stars race through the black skies, the wind travels through the trees, the water flows from stream to stream, nature dies and awakens, bla,bla,bla…. we are made this way, biologically we keep going from the moment our lucky eyes see the light of the world, until we close them for the last time, we never stop going!

So why does some waters hit a swamp and become murky, filled with insects and rotten plants? why does space looks still? why does the mind seeks a state of boredom and stagnancy? why does moments come to a flowing brain and goes, what part do i play in any of this? what makes me existent under the concept of humanity but non existent in the scheme of master creation? is this point of thoughtful confusion part of us, part of our brain? a thin line that dilutes what’s real and what is more real? is this state of stagnant thoughts, dormant desires is part of the other side of our existence?

but unlike still water that goes back to the skies, or space that travels on an immense volume we do not notice, our minds give up and go back to the temporary state of non-boredom!

The swing

The mind dissolves in a deep state of misconciousness when it stares at the depth of time and the depth of our lives. Time is deep enough to bury the unspoken secrets of the lonely spirits and our lives are a short breeze that caresse the cheeks of existence after it drank out of our struggles and our long lasting, desperate prayers.

3:13 am

sat 9/4/10

R.F.

My First New Post

This is my first new post on my new site!

i love writing!  there is a substantial experience that typing can never replace. When your pen touches the soft, blank paper that is dying to acknowledge the true spririt behind you, without casting a judgment or correcting mistakes that could only be a reflection of a confused state of mind. Pen and paper has been my ultimate companions since my childhood, and while each person, at the end of the day, have nowhere to go but his own tortured thoughts,  pen and paper is the closest something or someone will ever get to you. Will digital replace any of that exclusivness that those tools have on us? maybe some, but not for the most part. A paper belongs to you, a digital paper does not, it is a concept, the physical aspect of it has no direct link to it whatsoever. A hard dive will never mean a diary, or a book! you are never scared to write on a paper, as it is private. A private post on the net exist only in the minds of those who are confused between the realities of the world we live in.

At the end of this, and just a welcome note and a commitment that i will make to myself, and that is not to be afraid to write every bit f thought or emotion going through my ” mind”, i will also try to leave some the mistakes that came from a an unconsiouc state of logic flow. Or simply a word that i will always confuse: unconsciouc…….